they say failing to plan is planning to fail (they being elementary school administrators quoting john wooden) and i would tend to agree with them/him if it were not for the calculated generosity of my cube neighbor nguyen. it seems i’m always well fed at work, regardless of continually failing to plan for my lunch, because at any time during office hours nguyen has a cornucopia of exotic vietnamese foods at her desk.
what might i sample in the course of a work week? fresh kumquats, melon with chili powder, pho, banh mi, jackfruit with coconut milk, spring rolls, com tam, etc. apart from the northern mexican food i grew up on, it is quite possibly the best food i have ever tasted. with intense flavors and ubiquitous freshness modern vietnamese fare, at least on the outskirts of little saigon, is often conjoined with an essentially french methodology following on to some of the finest bread and most sublime soup bases in the world.
the terms of my strictly food oriented non-relationship with nguyen are as follows: 1) i take whatever food i want from her desk at any time i want it, without asking. 2) if she is eating something for herself, regardless of portion, i automatically have “dibbs” on half. 3) i make an honest effort to speak harshly to her as often as possible, not because i am cruel by nature, but by virtue of the fact that to have any kind of healthy, albeit solipsist, relationship with a her i have to earn her respect by providing equally matched force (i’m also pretty sure this is how it works in prison). if she is being polite to me i know that she is actually quite angry and i should take this as a sign of disrespect.
for her end i can only hypothesize through a skippy-smeared, wonder bread lens, but to the best of my knowledge this is what i can put together: 1) she can make fun of me when i’m asking for sandwiches in vietnamese, (banh mi). 2) i make myself vulnerable to pinches on my arm fat so hard i cry (very few people can pinch this hard, fewer still weighing a few fingernail clippings shy of 100lbs). and 3) i give her all my office work so she can look twice as busy as me, an enriching opportunity for her because in her culture laziness is automatic qualification for dante’s ninth circle(1).
what might i sample in the course of a work week? fresh kumquats, melon with chili powder, pho, banh mi, jackfruit with coconut milk, spring rolls, com tam, etc. apart from the northern mexican food i grew up on, it is quite possibly the best food i have ever tasted. with intense flavors and ubiquitous freshness modern vietnamese fare, at least on the outskirts of little saigon, is often conjoined with an essentially french methodology following on to some of the finest bread and most sublime soup bases in the world.
the terms of my strictly food oriented non-relationship with nguyen are as follows: 1) i take whatever food i want from her desk at any time i want it, without asking. 2) if she is eating something for herself, regardless of portion, i automatically have “dibbs” on half. 3) i make an honest effort to speak harshly to her as often as possible, not because i am cruel by nature, but by virtue of the fact that to have any kind of healthy, albeit solipsist, relationship with a her i have to earn her respect by providing equally matched force (i’m also pretty sure this is how it works in prison). if she is being polite to me i know that she is actually quite angry and i should take this as a sign of disrespect.
for her end i can only hypothesize through a skippy-smeared, wonder bread lens, but to the best of my knowledge this is what i can put together: 1) she can make fun of me when i’m asking for sandwiches in vietnamese, (banh mi). 2) i make myself vulnerable to pinches on my arm fat so hard i cry (very few people can pinch this hard, fewer still weighing a few fingernail clippings shy of 100lbs). and 3) i give her all my office work so she can look twice as busy as me, an enriching opportunity for her because in her culture laziness is automatic qualification for dante’s ninth circle(1).
you get the idea – i trade my dignity for food, most men have no problem with this. i’m constantly begging her for recipes. it usually goes something like this...
Am PoMo: that look’s good, what is it?
Nguyen: (immediate look of disgust) it’s rice porridge, you want some?
Am PoMo: sure, but just a taste.
Nguyen: oh please, you know you only come to my desk for food.
(later...)
Am PoMo: that was good. did you make it?
Nguyen: oh please, don’t pretend you don’t see us eat it every morning for breakfast! you want some more?
Am PoMo: no, i had lunch already.
Nguyen: don’t tell me you have a six dollar burger! are they good?
Am PoMo: are you going to give me the receipe for the porridge?
Nguyen: i’m so mad at you. you just take whatever you want, you think i’m your slave or something.
Am PoMo: if you’re referring to the M&M’s, you don’t eat them – and the bag is from easter! what are you saving them for?
Nguyen: (pinching) special collector bag! they only print it one time! i bought it on ebay.
Am PoMo: (eyes watering) so are you going to give me the porridge recipe or what?
Nguyen: (eye roll) oh please! don’t pretend you like it! it’s so easy even when you could do it. just boil walking chicken and add some rice. do i have to explain everything to you? sheesh.
Am PoMo: i think you’re holding out on me....there was way more stuff in that soup. i’ll buy you lunch.
Nguyen: (again with the pinching) not soup, porridge! you think all vietnamese food is soup. i don’t know exact ingredient.
Am PoMo: (whimpering) but i want to make it and post it on my blog.
Nguyen: what-ever, am pomo, you think all asian women the same. you think we your slave or something
Am PoMo: look, it was really good. i think people will want to know how to make it.
Nguyen: go away now. can’t you see i’m busy doing all your work for you. you’re dead to me.
Am PoMo: how about you just give me the recipe and shut up about it?
Nguyen: i’ll bring you the mushroom mix tomorrow. do you have fish sauce? you think i’m your slave or something.
now before you accuse me of racial discrimination or sexual harassment it should be noted that i don’t believe the chip on nguyen’s shoulder to be primarily cultural or at all gender based (although on the skin-whitening tour of our fluorescent-sunned work week, her beauty, as it would be in prison, is a problem). i daresay, no. if the ACLU (and the editor) will permit me, these are simply the politics of captivity.....only on the wretched cube farm do assets like these become liabilities, kindnesses a coiled trap.
enragingly, nguyen is also a better cook than i am. so naturally to keep the balance of power in her favor, when i do receive a recipe it’s frequently less than articulate....
1 walking chicken (very good for soup and a bit tougher to chew)
1 ½ gallon of water
1 rice bowl (1 cup) of jasmine rice (new crop)
1 pho spoon of salt
1 ½ pho spoon of suger -- or --
2 wo medium siz of rock sugar
2 pho spoon of good fish sauce
1 sleeve of ginger
½ pho spoon mushroom seasoning
this is the best i can tell you. i hate writing down instruction....
- clean the chicken
- when water is boiled, throw in the chicken (this way the water is not cloudy)
- thow a sleeve of ginger and an onion (optional)
- throw in all the seasoning
- clean/wash the rice until the water is clear
- dump the rice into the soup
lower the heat after 10 - 15 minutes to medium heat
- since you're an inspired chef, you know when the chicken is done
- once the chicken is done, remove the chicken from the pot to shread
what goes in the porridge to enhance the taste..
- dice cilantro
- dice green onion (opional)
- clean bean sprout
- and don't forget the chile sauce
- ground pepper
did i believe i was getting the actual recipe for the food i had just tasted? did i f@&%.
before i made my first rice porridge there were some practical issues i needed to resolve per the recipe above...like what the fuck is a walking chicken? but if correct/pure ingredients are the rubric of my cooking philosophy i can’t get squeamish about markets selling chicken-headed chickens. next to the hens, the walking chicken was leaner and more expensive (i can only guess this is attributed to it being more flavorful due to maturity).
nguyen agreed (only after mucho eye rolling) to take me to a vietnamese market. obviously i was far too slow a shopper – every time i looked up from my shopping list she had disappeared around the corner.
1 ½ gallon of water
1 rice bowl (1 cup) of jasmine rice (new crop)
1 pho spoon of salt
1 ½ pho spoon of suger -- or --
2 wo medium siz of rock sugar
2 pho spoon of good fish sauce
1 sleeve of ginger
½ pho spoon mushroom seasoning
this is the best i can tell you. i hate writing down instruction....
- clean the chicken
- when water is boiled, throw in the chicken (this way the water is not cloudy)
- thow a sleeve of ginger and an onion (optional)
- throw in all the seasoning
- clean/wash the rice until the water is clear
- dump the rice into the soup
lower the heat after 10 - 15 minutes to medium heat
- since you're an inspired chef, you know when the chicken is done
- once the chicken is done, remove the chicken from the pot to shread
what goes in the porridge to enhance the taste..
- dice cilantro
- dice green onion (opional)
- clean bean sprout
- and don't forget the chile sauce
- ground pepper
did i believe i was getting the actual recipe for the food i had just tasted? did i f@&%.
before i made my first rice porridge there were some practical issues i needed to resolve per the recipe above...like what the fuck is a walking chicken? but if correct/pure ingredients are the rubric of my cooking philosophy i can’t get squeamish about markets selling chicken-headed chickens. next to the hens, the walking chicken was leaner and more expensive (i can only guess this is attributed to it being more flavorful due to maturity).
nguyen agreed (only after mucho eye rolling) to take me to a vietnamese market. obviously i was far too slow a shopper – every time i looked up from my shopping list she had disappeared around the corner.
once i had the correct ingredients, the cooking method was fairly easy. so i will only add a few cooking tips to the recipe above.
1. nguyen was right, boil the water first.
2. i found it more settling to remove the head and feet from the walking chicken.
3. i only added half the sugar she suggested and i found the broth to be sufficiently sweet.
4. after the chicken is cooked (approx 30 minutes), strain out the ginger and onion before adding the rice.
5. i doubled the rice ingredient and this resulted in a much thicker, porridge-like porridge.
6. remove the bones and skin from the chicken and shred the meat.
7. add the “enhancements” just before serving.
musice pairing: kings of leon, “because of the times”
no wine for this staple dish; i would just drink green tea
(1) loosely speaking, postmodernists would be circling the drain of dante’s eighth circle of hell, often being the root of social discord. inverting dante’s hell, he obviously thought loyalty (and subsequently conformity) to be paramount in virtue; and even more obviously – he didn’t write his divine comedy in a 3’ by 3’ space (enough room to pivot on an non-ergonomic chair from email to phone to boss to knees. etc...) with low, burlap paneled aluminum walls and orwellian network surveillance.
musice pairing: kings of leon, “because of the times”
no wine for this staple dish; i would just drink green tea
(1) loosely speaking, postmodernists would be circling the drain of dante’s eighth circle of hell, often being the root of social discord. inverting dante’s hell, he obviously thought loyalty (and subsequently conformity) to be paramount in virtue; and even more obviously – he didn’t write his divine comedy in a 3’ by 3’ space (enough room to pivot on an non-ergonomic chair from email to phone to boss to knees. etc...) with low, burlap paneled aluminum walls and orwellian network surveillance.
save me the neck, clark!
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